“A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife,
and the two are united into one.”
This is a great mystery,
but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.
Eph 5:31-32
Paul paints a tangled web in Eph 5. Back and forth in the instructions Paul gives to husbands and wives, he describes the husband and wife relationship as a metaphor for the church and Jesus, the Bridegroom, calling marriage a great - or profound - mystery.
In the New Testament, the word “mystery” denotes, not the mysterious, but that which can be made known only by Divine revelation... In the ordinary sense, a mystery implies knowledge withheld; it’s Spiritual significance is truth revealed. (Vines)
The word "mystery" means something which is concealed, hidden, before unknown; something into which one must be instructed before he can understand it. It does not mean that it is "incomprehensible" when it is disclosed, but that previously it has been kept secret.
Today I'm over at Circles of Faith with a Community article about the monthly marriage group (and annual marriage retreat) at our church, High Mountain Church.
If you're in northern NJ, consider attending the Connect marriage group, meeting Sat. April 11 and most 2nd Saturdays of the month. It's for married couples of all ages and diversity who want their marriage to be the best it can be.
High Mountain Church, 681 High Mountain Rd, No. Haledon, NJ
I hate to generalize. Not ALL men are from Mars. Not ALL women are from Venus. But there are enough examples in life to make some truisms even if they don't always apply to everyone.
Case in point - "they" say:
Men are problem-solvers. They want to fix problems.
Women are talkers & emotional. They want to be heard, not fixed.
This issue raises its ugly head in my marriage, and likely does in yours too. My husband Tony thinks he's trying to help. I assume he's trying to fix something in me that I don't think is broken.
So when Tony found this brilliant, hysterical video on facebook, he shared it - on facebook, in small groups, told our patients, pretty much let his entire corner of the world know it was out there.
If you haven't seen it, you must.
And then after you watch it, continue reading below:
For over 2 years, Tony and I have been enmeshed in a current day David and Goliath fight. Our opponent looks and acts so much like Mr. Potter from It's A Wonderful Life that I occasionally inadvertently refer to him as Mr. Potter. Our Mr. Potter is a real estate mogul who bullies people into doing his will rather than obey the town ordinances, and unfortunately our house stands in his way.
This week provided another round of worries as we tried to discern what Mr. Potter and his land-moving equipment were up to. Throughout this ordeal, Tony has tried to solve the problem ~ as men are apt to do. He's tried to reason what steps we should take or not take as the case may be. There are a few decisions we've had to make, but at this point, there's little we can do but wonder. So this week, Tony did what he's done before. He took a walk. His walks in our local arboretum have been incredible transformational times where he's grown closer to God. And this week was no exception. When he returned, Tony shared how he had been caught up in a whirlwind of thoughts ~ what are they doing, is there something I can do about it, who should I talk to, on and on. Then he sensed the Lord saying, "It's not about the nail: Don't try to fix it. Just listen to Me." It goes completely against his problem-solving nature. I'm so darn proud of my man for seeing this truth, for sharing it with me, and for allowing me to share it with you. So let me close with this: Ladies: Sometimes it really IS just about the nail. Don't be defensive or argue with your husband because his solution to your problem may be all you really need. Men: It isn't always as obvious as the nail. Situations we deal with can be complex and unsolvable, at least at the moment. There may be other people or issues involved. Sometimes it's enough to be a compassionate listener without offering advice. And everyone: Don't try to fix things in your own strength. And always listen to God!
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways My ways,"
declares the Lord.
Isaiah 55:8
Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself,
and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:33
But He said to me,
"My grace is sufficient for you,
for My power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:9
Who do you identify with more? The fixer or the one who wants to be heard? How do you resolve differences between you and your spouse?
25 years of being defensive and overly sensitive. Taking things
personally that really weren't personal.
You see, my husband and I work together. He's a chiropractor and I
manage the office. Ok, I hear it all the time "Wow - I could never work
with my husband." To which I nod, sweetly smile, and say "I could
never work with your husband either."
But that aside, we have had our challenging moments. Often around
12:50 pm. We break for lunch at 1:00 and, if there's no patient in the
office, around 12:50 he starts hovering. "What are you
doing?" "Are you done with that yet?" "How long will you be
on the phone?" "I'm hungry, let's go before I get a headache."
And so on.....
My response usually begins with a rumbling volcano deep in my gut
that periodically erupts. Not every day, but far too often. I take his
questioning personally like he’s criticizing my job performance, or my wifely
abilities, or my character. Sometimes it's due to his tone of voice. Other
times it's because I'm wound up tight in defensive mode ready to uncoil and
pounce as soon as he opens his mouth. And frankly, if I don't say something in
response, I'm thinking it.
Except for that day last month.
In he came, and with my fingers on the keyboard and my face to the
monitor, my gut started tightening. The questions started, but for some reason
known only to God, my reply was remarkably different. The volcano ebbed as I
slowly turned in my chair to face him,
“You’re a Snickers commercial hon. You’re just not you when
you’re hungry.”
With the realization that the guy is hungry not angry at me, the pressure cooker
valve released as the tension subsided and it was laughter that erupted.
And now we have a new tagline whenever stresses arise.
..
Snickers Commercial with Joe Pesci and Don Rickles
"And 'don’t sin by letting anger control you.' Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,for anger gives a foothold to the devil. ... Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Eph. 4:26-27, 31-32
How about you? Do you find yourself at the ready to defend even if you're not under attack? How many arguments could be avoided if we sought to extend grace rather than dig our heels in?
I heard today that February set a record for snowfall by 8 inches. That's a lot of snow. So please allow me one last snow lesson.
This snow shoveling experience differed from my last one in that my husband was around. He took care of the snow-blower, Praise The Lord! And I helped out with the walkway.
Now let me share a secret with you that I neglected to mention last time.
My husband and I have different ways of doing things. Can you relate?
Perhaps, like me, you've heard that if two people were the same, one of them would be unnecessary. Or that when two people get married, they make up for each other’s weaknesses. Makes sense. Right?
For example, I have a little problem with timeliness. My husband is rarely late. So the conventional wisdom is that God brought us together to help me be on time.
“Two are better than one....” A true statement, to be sure, but it was said by Solomon, the wisest -yet sometimes stupidest- man who ever lived. He had 300 wives, 700 concubines, and lots of marital issues, which led to spiritual issues. Hmmmm - we take marriage advice from this fellow?
You see, when you’re single, no one ever tells you that the areas where you are different are the points of CONFLICT, people. You don’t argue about things you agree on. So I'm throwing the conventional wisdom right out the window on that one.
Well, when it comes to clearing the pathway and front stairs, my husband and I differ. He clears it to make it FUNCTIONAL, shoveling a path 2 feet wide on the 6 foot wide steps. You can make it to the front door. Fine. It works. For him. Not for me. I prefer it to be completely cleared to look ATTRACTIVE. Now since he usually does the work while I’m inside making soup or hot chocolate, I don’t complain about it.
But, when I cleared the stairs myself 2 weeks ago, I did it my way. For days afterward, I was happy as a clam looking at the job I did. Steps completely cleared.
Fast forward to Friday morning. I stood, shovel in hand, ready to tackle the stairs and path. My husband sauntered over. With each step closer, I got a little hotter from the inside out. You know what I'm saying? Have I ever told you that mind-reading is one of my spiritual gifts? Since my husband, like most men (or so I’m told), is a “problem-solver,” he likes to advise me on the proper method of doing just about everything. (Even things I’m fairly proficient at, like cooking.) He just wants to help. I, however, take it as a negative commentary on how I do things. So as he approached me, I prepared my rebuttal, and he hadn’t even said anything yet. Can you relate?
(By the way, can you tell I’ve been watching Beth Moore DVD’s - “Can anybody relate?” “Ladies, you with me here?” “Can I hear an amen?”)
Anyway...
As I waited for his “You should....,” I readied my response: “When you do it, you can do it your way. When I do it, I’ll do it my way. You want me to do something. But you want me to do it your way.”
Well, as those last words rumbled through the empty hallways of my brain, I felt that gentle prick of the Holy Spirit.
God wants me to do things for Him. And He wants me to do them His way.
His ways are not our ways. They’re better. Better for Him, better for His kingdom, better for us, and better for me.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Is. 55:9
It’s not enough to do what He’s called me to do. I need to do it His way. Patiently. Humbly. Lovingly. Joyfully. Obediently. Sacrificially. Without resentment, anger, pride, irritation, complacency or humming "I did it my way."
