Why I don't live in Florida

Okay, it’s official. I am living in a Seinfeld episode!
Even a difficult situation has its funny moments!

Arriving at the airport, I was supposed to meet Larry, the driver. On my cellphone in the busy terminal, I heard him say, “I’ll meet you outside.” So I waited outside in the suffocating heat and humidity with the other passengers. My hair was expanding by the minute. One by one, everyone was wisked away by their ride, and no Larry. Finally, I turned around and spotted a lanky old man in shorts, jacket and hat standing alone inside the doors. Could it be Larry? I turned to go inside, the glass doors parting before me like the Red Sea, releasing a blast of frigid air. Sure enough, it was Larry standing beside the deserted baggage carousel. Evidently, he said he’d meet me by the “number five”, not “outside.” You mean I could have waited in the air conditioning? Did he not think to step outside where everyone else was waiting for transportation? Oy!

Remember the Seinfeld episodes when Jerry visited his parents in Florida? I'm living the dream!

How about the one when Elaine slept on the sofabed and needed a chiropractor in the morning? Well, my chiropractor’s back in NJ!! [Miss you, hon!] I moved to the living room couch after the 1st night. Just like Elaine, I was assured that there was extra padding on the mattress crumpled inside the soda. Hmmmm, really?

Or the one where Jerry's mom thinks it's freezing if the temperature drops below 95. I was told to "bring a jacket because it's so cold." Are you kidding me? I've been having hot flashes that last all day.

In the morning, I had to drive alone to the hospital. How do I get out of here? Every street looks exactly the same. One wrong turn, and I will be lost forever in a maze of palm trees and stucco facades. We got my dad a GPS for his anniversary last year. Where would he keep it? My search of the car revealed only a pack of tissues and a deck of cards. Well, if I get stuck in the maze, at least I can play solitare!

Asking for directions wasn’t much help either. “It’s about 4 miles [it was 6] down the road. Look for the little blue ‘H’ signs.” How about mentioning the GIANT entrance to the university directly across the street? Luckily, I tore a map out of the phone book before I left. Too bad the map only showed 9th and 14th streets, and the hospital is off of 13th behind ... a maze of palm trees and stucco facades.

These are a few of the signs I passed on the 6 mile trek to the hospital, well except for one. Can you guess which fictional development Jerry’s parents lived in?
-Boca Lakes
-Boca Gardens
-Boca Glades
-Boca Lyons
-Boca Rio
-Boca Lago
-Boca Pointe
-Boca Grande
-Oaks of Boca
-Del Boca Vista
I think I'll name one Boca Shmoca...

Last night, I had a close encounter with a gekko. I won't go into the harrowing ordeal, but he had no business being inside, and with my dad away, the extermination was left to me. Let's just say: this is not my gift. I think my bloodcurdling screams could be heard echoing beyond ... a maze of palm trees and stucco facades. And did you know that even if a palmetto bug is lying on his back in the same spot all night, he still might not be dead? Trust me on this - or you may experience the bloodcurdling screams yourself. Florida is not for the squeamish!

There's a park nearby - Palmetto Park. Why not just be honest and call it Giant Cockroach Park?

Above my dad's desk is a 'classic' guidebook "How To Be An Extremely Reform Jew" which contains such wonderful advice as:
Every doorpost in your house should have a mezuzah (a small hollow case containing a tiny scroll of parchment that typically reads 'Inspected by No. 32'), and every time you pass by one, you should touch the mezuzah gently with your fingertips and then kiss your fingertips, until everyone in the household has the same flu symptoms. You should also say: "May God protect my going out and my coming in from now and evermore," though it is common to abbreviate this to: "God, I'm late. Where is my umbrella?"

Now if I only had a pen that could write upside down in space!

ps - Thanks to all of you for storming the gates of heaven with me. Your prayer support means the world to me. I so appreciate the comments & emails, and I do feel your prayers.
Today is the first of our series of doctor's appointments. May he & we get to the cause of the problem, so it can be properly treated. Lord, a complete miraculous healing would work, too!!
Thank you and God bless you...


Diane said...

Very funny! I pray you get the correct care and help you need. Blessings! :O)

Susan J. Reinhardt said...

Hi Susan -

I've had a few experiences in the Florida sun myself. The heat alone is enough to keep me from considering a move.

Thanks for a good laugh! We'll continue to pray for your situation.

Susan :)

Nancy said...

OH MY GOD, you should be on Jay Leno, what a way to start my day, I was roaring and reading this to my co-worker, you might re-think your future, it could be comedy!!!!!

Donna said...

Dear Susan,
I smiled and giggled all the way through that message, but when I got to the line, "you should touch the mezuzah gently with your fingertips and then kiss your fingertips, until everyone in the household has the same flu symptoms," I out and out cracked up! That was too funny. You will be in my heart all day today. Hugs,

Marlene Rodgers said...

Hi Susan,

Very very funny. your story made laugh and how true it is. I'm printing it for Cathy and Diane to read. It will give them a heads-up for the future.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Love, Marlene

Cheri Bunch said...

Hey Susan! This is great!!! Love it lots! You tickled my funny-bone, sister!!! Thanks!
Love you,

Jeanette Levellie said...

You are so funny! It helps, doesn't it?
I will pray for you, dear sister.

Anita said...

I sent your sister's "Why I Don't Live in Florida" blog to my father and his wife.

Barbara is a rabid Seinfeld fan.

Dad said he could hear her laughing from the other end of the house!

Penny said...

So true...but I LOVE Florida!